the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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