if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize