tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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