all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
