good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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