i jhust puked up my retainher.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
