You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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