guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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