A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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