And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
