I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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