Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
