I smell stomach acid.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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