I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
