you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
