Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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