omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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