I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
