I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
