i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
