Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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