hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
