and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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