My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
i now understand why vodka
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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