are you still at the devil's house?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
