Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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