Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
