Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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