So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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