I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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