I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm both gender and math confused
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
