Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
