mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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