Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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