just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
