Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
