dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
