pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
