Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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