dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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