i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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