well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
