Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
