I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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