Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
