Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
