when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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