I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
