All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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