i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Randomize
