Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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