just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
