Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
ttyl tear gas
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
