I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
