She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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